Wear black

Listen to bands that don’t exist

Swear off all friends and/or family

Develop an addiction (sex, drugs… anything will work – just ask Tiger)

Marry Up

Never lose your hair (Hairclub, Rogaine…do whatever it takes).  Hear me, Christian?

Produce Films (or buy a Flip Cam to tape your kid’s stupid tricks and call yourself a producer )

Work for Corporate America so everyone around you sucks dramatically more than yourself

Do what you Love

Become a DJ, pretend to DJ, play DJ Hero, or just buy a damn iPod and force your friends to listen your eclectic, purposefully obtuse, self-indulgent music

Follow Fashion Trends.. wait.. DON’T follow fashion trends… no… well, i don’t know but I’m sure there should be something about fashion on this list…maybe I should quit while I’m ahead/behind

Create-Your-Own-Territory Syndrome – making a barrier around yourself by spreading your stuff all over the conference table.

Forgetting to mute on a conference call, and having others hear your dog barking, your kid banging blocks together, or the construction guy drilling in the background.

Asking “Do you want that leader to be photographed in a Tuxedo or a Clown Suit?” (Doesn’t get a laugh; I tried it.)

Admitting “I’m only here for the free snacks.”

Asking “What do all of these acronyms stand for, again?”

Napping.

Getting called on and doing the “Who?  Me? Can you repeat the question again, Alex?” bit.

Rubbing anything excessively – your arm, your thumb, whatever.

Drinking out of a disgusting, stained, 10-year-old coffee mug.

Asking a question, the answer to which was already explained earlier in the meeting.

Channeling Satan through the conference phone using BlackBerry voodoo.

Ok, I admit it.  I am not a winter person.  Not even a little bit.  And since my wife and kids are sick of hearing me bitch about it, I thought I would share with the world!

1. It starts getting dark around lunch.
2. Its friggin cold outside!
3. Its friggin cold inside!
4. Snow!  Shoveling it, idiots driving in it, its ability to find its way down the back of my neck.  Pretty much everything to do with it.

5. Will my nose ever stop running?
6. If one more kid throws a snowball at me I am getting a shotgun.
7. Finding, untangling, and hanging Christmas lights when its 20 degrees.
8. Dragging out the Christmas tree in January and looking forward to pulling pine needles out of my feet for the next 3 months.
9. My car will never be clean again.
10. Chapped bleeding lips that give me just one more reason not to smile.
11. Having to listen to people who try too hard to like winter.

I do enjoy the holidays with friends and family though. (I’m not a complete crab!)  ~cg

Faux Hawk – Don’t be a tool.

Shirt tucked in to Sweatpants – it means you’re crazy.

New Balance Sneakers – We know! They’re good for your feet…but, they’re not good for your sex life.

All of one color.

Skulls – you’re not 13 any more.

Shoes go with Socks – You wouldn’t walk around with just your socks on, would you?

We don’t care what team you like.

Scarves on Guys – Unless it’s attached to a ceiling fan.

L.L. Bean

Guys in Spandex – We know you’re crazy; you don’t have to show us your nuts.

Bluetooth Headset – We hope it rains and you electrocute your head.

______________________________________________________________
Sedrick and Moses are friends with Patty, and she forced them into creating this list on a lazy Sunday.  They told me, “We don’t dress very well, but we know what looks stupid”.

When she has to repeat the salad dressing choices for the fourth time, because you didn’t listen to her when she said them the first time for the person sitting on your right, the second time for the person sitting across from you, and the third time for the person who is sitting immediately to your left.

When you’re the last party in the restaurant, they’ve been cleaning up for an hour around you, and you have the nerve to order a cappuccino.

When you’re Michael Bolton and you don’t like anything on the menu and you want pasta with none of the sauces the restaurant offers – oh, and it is a SEAFOOD restaurant, by the way, Bolton…… – and you treat her like she should call a special pow-wow with the chefs to magically invent something yummy for you and your group, because, you know, you’re Michael Bolton.

When you’ve doused yourself with that stinky, cloyingly strong perfume. (Everybody hates that about you, actually.)

When restaurant is packed and you ask specifically for olive oil, or pink pepper, or white vinegar, or tarragon, or some other hard-to-obtain-from-the-kitchen condiment to adorn your $4 side salad.

When you won’t stop talking long enough to taste the small wine test pour, so he can actually pour big glasses wine for the rest of your obviously-board dinner companions who are eager to get sauced so they can better tolerate you.

When you ask for 100 refills on your water.

When you’re with a big group and everyone says “No.” when the waitperson says “Does anyone else need a straw or want anything else from the kitchen?” and when he brings back the straw suddenly someone wants something else and, again, the waitperson has to go back and get it, and it keeps happening until he winds up running back-and-fourth-and-back-and-forth more than Curly Neal.

When you spill something of such great liquid volume that it far exceeds the absorbability of your napkin.

When he reads out all of the 12 different kinds of soda they serve, and you ask “Don’t you have Diet Black Cherry Shasta?”

When she’s run around all evening to meet your every dining pleasure and you grab both copies of your credit card receipt when you leave the restaurant, so she gets stiffed on the tip.

1. It’s much easier to roll over.
2. It’s not getting done just because someone told me to do it.
3. Bacon.  It really doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I love it so much.
4. Because there are 10 other things I need to do that aren’t getting done either.
5. It conflicts with my nap.
6. Two words for you… Tequila
7. Time is money, and I’m broke.
8. I dunno, but it ain’t getting done.
9. Do I really need a reason not to do something?
10. Because if you’re going to do something, do it right.
11. Could you pass me the remote?

Corporate Jargon – Mastering your core competency and keeping positive momentum to maintain six sigma synergy by delivering the key metrics to present the value added revenue mix for our shareholders.

Shareholders

9-5 (which is today is more like 8-6)

Corporate Downsizing – Another effort to placate shareholders by ruining the lives of others in the name of the almighty dollar.

Team Building – Forcing people to spend more time with each other than they already do in their 8-6 work day.

Executives – People who have climbed their way up the corporate ladder by leveraging nepotism to become filthy wealthy.

Meal Allowances – The challenge of finding a way to manage 3 square meals on $25/day

Special Projects/Assignments – The way corporations attempt to get more hours out of your day while trying to make you feel special.

Economy Class Seats – Fitting 15yrs of sitting at a desk ass into a seat the size of a cat carrier for 8hrs and 3 connecting flights.

Forced Charity – The way the corporation tries to justify the means and buy some karma by guilting their workforce into giving to the charity of the company’s choice.

Service Anniversary’s – rewarding employees for sucking it up for X number of years and presenting them with a clock to remind them of how much time they’ve wasted.

~cg

Stale Candy, stale Bread-products served to us in a restaurant, and stale Personalities.

That weird, sour smell that pervades your laundry, when you forget to put it in the dryer.

Sequined clothing on anyone over 25, including those in the professions of dance, theatre, dance theatre, or Cirque du Soleil.

Cirque du Soleil.

The fusion of entertainment and enlightenment, as brought to you by Glenn Beck.

The expression “Vegas Rules,” as in “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

Mullets – the haircuts and the fish.

Eyelash-extending Prescriptive Medicinal Therapies.

Quince.

Smokers who use the world as their ashtray, and just leave their butts as a gift to nature.

People who point out the obvious, obviously.

~pp

Read a nice novel:

Devour a healthy and delicious four course meal (don’t drop the potatoes):

Karaoke:

Sex:


Program your GPS so you don’t get lost on your way to swerving into oncoming traffic and hitting a bus full of adorable puppy dogs:
(sorry, I could only find a video with ugly puppies)

Signal Right then Turn Left:

Text Message (wow, did I just get all serious?):

Throw carcinogenic flaming objects out the driver’s side window:

Hit Kids:

Driving underage:

Primping yourself for that hastily scheduled fashion photo shoot:

Barbiturates: