TSF Episode 21 – Expressive Textplexing began with a rant from writer, chef, production professional and father-extraordinaire, Steve Angiolino.  Listen to the podcast here and read his insights, below.

I am so sick of the textification of the American Language. Of course by now everyone is used to the LOL’s and OMG’s and they are accepted additions to the vernacular. It’s the forty-five year old men who ask about my “avails” for an upcoming meeting. Or the woman who is definitely not in line for tickets to Justin Bieber, telling me she is going to send along the “deets” for a project we’re working on. I’m also sick of the “whatevs,” “probs,” and the “ushe.” Finish the damn word! It’s as if everyone is so overworked and exhausted they not only can’t finish sentences, but they haven’t enough stamina to finish words longer then six letters.

I get it when you are handcuffed by the 160-character limit and you don’t want to buck up the extra five for unlimited texting. That’s cool, I can get behind that, but when you send me an email where the sky is the limit and you can be as verbose as the annoying person on the 5:46 with the cell phone embedded in their ear, then I get annoyed. You’ve got the space, unless your fingers are cramping so hard from carpal tunnel, that you look like that weird lobster boy at the freak show in the county fair, then please take those extra few seconds and finish the words!

Trust me; I’ll be _available_ to get the _details_ _whatever _time works best for you. I won’t quit mid- sentence. I have the wherewithal to read the word right down to the last letter. I’m no Edwin Newman. I’m not on a crusade to reinstate proper American English. I just ask us forty-something’s to give up talking like 15 year olds, madly pecking away on their Blackberries about how hot Tommy looks in his basketball uniform.

Enough already, and that’s enough with a GH and not two FFs.

___________________________________________________________

Steve Angiolino has finally come to the realization that sarcasm is not a great business model. He currently lives in the Jersey suburbs with his wife and two kids and spends long periods of time staring out the back window of his house wondering, “What’s going on in Hoboken right now?” Steve is easily annoyed and often gets into odd conversations with the elderly at the local ShopRite grocery store.

That was then...

At that time, Al Bundy and his misfit, unmotivated family ruled the airwaves and, I suppose , there was something empowering about this klan.  They were sarcastic, selfish, and non-trendy – a huge counterpoint to the buttoned-up, Izod clad yuppies that were so prevalent in those post-Disco, Regan “Just Say No” days.  Al, Peg, Kelly, and Bud, in their slovenly simplicity, were harbingers and ambassadors for the soon-to-come Seattle grunge and slacker movement of the early 90’s.  They were the original couch potatoes.

But, as ground-breaking as they were in the late 80’s, I’m here to tell you don’t be like Al Bundy.  As fresh as “Married…With Children” may have felt back-in-the-day, Al Bundy was stale.  He was the embodiment of living life for yesterday and not for today.  A hostage to the past glory of his high school football successes, Al didn’t and couldn’t enjoy his life.  He hated his job, wasn’t attracted to his sexually-willing wife, and, so, he resigned himself to apathy.  Maybe he wasn’t the brightest man on the block, but, he didn’t have to live as a sad-sack, either.  Sure, he loved his family and had his Bundy pride, but fat, drunk, and bored is no way to go through life.

...this is Now.

Fortunately for us, the actor Ed O’Neill and the people who write his characters are genius, and they’ve given us a new, reworked, better version of the every-day-dad that is more reasonable and forward looking – Jay Pritchard, the patriarch on ABC’s sitcom “Modern Family”.  Jay, like Al, is not a perfect father.  He also has a sarcastic attitude and may embrace values and ideas that feel a little dated, but he is a forward-looking character.  He isn’t hung up on what happened in his life when he was a teenager; he is, instead, learning to do right for his family.  And, unlike Al, Jay is way into his beautiful wife and looks to make her happy, even when he disagrees with her perspective.  His approach is a modern one of learning and growing into acceptance, instead of shrugging his shoulders and living in the past.

So, thank you, Ed O’Neill, for giving us two fathers for two different eras of our lives.  And, thank you, Jay Pritchard and all of you other men out there, for not being Al Bundy.

< Listen to this meandering rant, and more, on the Tasty Televisionary podcast TSF18 here or on iTunes >

Episode 21:  This expansive episode of the podcast welcomes guest Rantologist and fellow slacker Steve Angiolino, explores our Constitution and Julian Assange, and vibes with the beats of Maceo Plex. Oh, and Patty surprises Christian and Rob, once again, with a real story of our modern world.

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Meandering Rant: “Textification of American Language” by Steve Angiolino

Book Report: The First Amendment and Freedom of Expression

Music Segment: “Vibe your Love” by Maceo Plex.  Here’s the sexy video!

Also mentioned:
Rebel Rave TV - High quality videos of underground dance music culture

Are you old enough to remember when home video cameras first started to become popular and people started bringing them to parties or family things and somehow, whenever a video camera entered the situation, people changed.  You could be having a good meal or conversation and everyone would be relaxed and then some uncle would come through with the say-hi-to-the-camera bit and nervous people got more nervous, and outgoing people turned on the charm, and those in-between just kinda stiffened up and waved “hi” because they didn’t know what else to do?

Then, TV hit the air with a show called “The Real World” where they tried to capture that same social thing where everyone is hanging out together but there just happens to be cameras present?  What happened on that show in 1992 was sort of the same thing that occurred with your technical uncle – people became slightly warped, awkward versions of themselves for the MTV nation, and other people found that entertaining.

What was true in your family setting was true for those 20-somethings in that New York apartment – the camera changes things.

Now everything feels different.  Andy Warhol’s experiment has expanded.  The huge commercial enterprise that is now Reality Television has warped our true sense of what makes up the reality of our lives.

Technology and the interwebs have pushed entertainment into our lives every day in every way.  Videos on our cell phones, pictures and words everywhere; you’re no longer allowed to be shy or stiff.  You must have a joke, a smooth line, a sweet soundbite to share.  In this “I’m always on” world, friends become more like fans and all of us are performing most all of the time.

How can we not be confused by all of this expectation of entertainment?  Is Miley Cirus Miley Cirus today or is she Hanna Montana?  I can’t tell anymore.

In real life, now, people become impatient with those who don’t know their lines.  I’m guilty of it.  Standing in line 10 minutes to get a coffee and the person in front of me doesn’t know what they want when they get up to the counter, and I become so aggravated.  You mean they haven’t checked it all out, already?  They haven’t rehearsed exactly how they’re going to say their order?  They’re not ready for their performance?  Or, how about those people who always need help with their lines – using their cell phone – “Line, please” – to ask their girlfriend what they should get for dinner or what to pick up at the supermarket?

Do you sense it happening at work?  If your boss or some leadership person is speaking to a group of people, don’t you expect them to be perfect?  If they make a gaffe or are repetitive or lose their train of thought, do you lose respect for them?  Not only have we all become performers, but we have seen so much of this stuff, we have become intense critics, too.

You’re going to speak to me; it better be good.

Buddhists believe that reality is a big dream and that we’re all connected because we are all made up of the same essence.  I’m holding tight to that big dream part, because if I’m really connected with Snookie and her housemates from Jersey Shore, I gotta revaluate some things.

< Listen to this meandering rant, and more, on the Crazy like Patty (or Snooki) podcast TSF11 here or on iTunes >

I usually tend to shy away from political topics. In the past, I just haven’t cared enough to concern myself with politics. It didn’t really affect me so I didn’t care. But as I get older (though I don’t look older), I begin to realize that the decisions made by both the leaders of this country and it’s population will eventually have a real impact on either me or my kids. And when you really start paying attention, you’re quick to realize that this country and our society in general are completely falling apart!

Lucky for you, with my incredible intelligence and insightful vision , I’ve identified two major issues that we must act on immediately to save our future. 1) We need revolutionary change in government. And by revolutionary I mean let’s scrap the whole system and start over. This country was founded on some pretty amazing principles as detailed in the Constitution and all that stuff. Those can stay. The real problem is the continual expansion and ballooning cost of the government itself. Just look at the amount of money the state and federal governments spend in aggregate – roughly $6.4 trillion. And a trillion is A LOT! (If you get a chance, check out USgovernmentSpending.com). To put that in perspective, our total Gross Domestic Product, which essentially measures what the country spends in total, for 2010 is roughly $13 trillion. So, government spending makes up almost half of our total economy. When the hell did that happen?!? Well, I’ll tell ya. In 1950, government spending was about 23% of the economy. In 1970, the year I was born, it was 32%. In 2000, it was 30%. In 2005, it was 28%. So in the last 5 years, it’s ballooned to close to 50%. WTF! 30% sounds about right. Yet we are mired in debt, unemployment, foreclosures, budget deficits, and a slipping educational system.

I’m no bleeding heart liberal, but we definitely need to spend real money on things like education, defense, welfare, and maybe a couple other initiatives. But, let’s can the rest. How about this… let that unscrupulous insurance company and that awful car maker FAIL. Then, keep the spending at 50% for a couple years but use those billions of extra dollars to truly solve the core problems that our nation faces – I’d be OK with that short term. I’m sure that sending a billion dollars to T Bone Pickens might help a bit with our oil dependence. Or how about a billion or so to subsidize organic foods so even the poverty stricken can eat healthy and not subject our country to an obesity epidemic… just thinking out loud here.

Secondly, we need a society where people take full responsibility for their own actions. This is never more evident than with your own kids. My nine year old son could be playing alone in his room, hit his head on a door knob, and blame his brother for calling him in to see his new Pokemon card. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “It’s not MY fault”…. Unfortunately, the whole of America has refused to grow up. Every problem from obesity to poverty is blamed on other people or organizations. I’m fat because McDonalds sells $1 cheeseburgers and Purdue puts steroids in their chicken. I’m poor because no one will hire me and I’m way too smart and educated to wait tables. Well, stop your whining, get off the couch and run a mile then go earn a couple bucks digging ditches if you have to. And stop relying on government and corporate America for your next pay check. It’s YOUR fault, damn it!

Whew… Anyway, I think this plan of completely scrapping and re-doing our government along with some renewed personal responsibility (maybe combined with Slackernomics – that new economic theory I came up with a few episodes ago) could change the world. Are you with me? Robert LaFrance for President!

< Listen to this rant, and more, on the podcast here or on iTunes >

That’s right – it’s Dan Fogerlberg’s “Longer Than.” This optimistic ballad was released late in 1979 and gained most of its insane popularity in 1980 and is now my all time favorite song.  A favorite song that I never need to hear again.  In fact, I’d rather puncture my eardrums with porcupine spines than listen to that drivel.  So, I hear you asking yourself, “with all that great music that The Slacker Factor has brought me, how could THIS possibly be his favorite song?”  Well, I will tell you.

“Longer Than” gives me hope.  Not because of its poignant lyrical content, its dreamy melody, or delicately sung vocal.  Nope, in fact those things make me want to reach into the early 80s and pull Dan Fogelberg’s tonsils out through his nose.  I love it for this reluctant hope that it offers.  Hope that if this boat load of crap can reach a peak position of #2 on the Singles Chart in this god forsaken country, then actual quality music might stand a fighting chance.

But, what I really can’t believe is that back in the early 80s, people heard this song for the first time and said to themselves “Wow, what a fantastic little ditty, I can’t wait to hear several more times an hour on my favorite Adult Contemporary radio station.”  Or worse, that those aging hippie holdover baby boomers thought that this was a cutting edge new sound for a new decade and warranted critical acclaim and a place in the rock and roll history books alongside Richard Marx and Bryan Adams.  Why else would it have catapulted his album called Phoenix to platinum status?   There can be no other logical explanation.

Considering I was 9 at the time and have only vague recollections of driving to visit relatives in our brown Volare Startion wagon with the fake wood door panels and those state of the art AM radios with the tinny, two inch dashboard speakers through which  my Mom would blast “Longer Than” … it’s no surprise that this song triggers recessed memories that I am only now beginning to work out in therapy.  So, I had to call and ask…  “Mom, what the hell were you thinking with this pseudo emotional, over the top whispery poppycock?”  Her simple answer, “It’s such a nice song.  I love Dan Fogelberg.”  But Mom, WHY????  I need a detailed explanation of how anyone could have ever liked such crap.  Unfortunately, my mother offered no such explanation.  I guess normal people don’t obsess and analyze popular music to the degree that haunts me.  This is my cross to bear.

I can just imagine him performing this song live in front of a sold out hockey arena.  The gently plucked guitar reverberating throughout the massive space, infiltrating the open orifices of the unsuspecting.  His 70s feathered hair cascading over his ears, still as a statue while his head nods to the completely soulless beat .  His half closed eyes peering into the souls of the innocent.  It’s cliché lyrics penetrate the crowd through the wounds left open by the awful string section and trumpet solo.  Really?  A trumpet solo?  YUCKK!!!!

So, bottom line… Dan Fogelberg’s “Longer Than” represents everything that’s wrong with music not just of today but of all time!  Yet, upon further analysis, every generation is entitled to their own Dan Fogelberg which explains the existence of such K-Tel wonders as Air Supply, Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Clay Aiken, David Archuleta , etc.  But, remember, for everyone who listens to this rant and thinks, “Rob is right… this stuff sucks.”  There is hope that they will progress forward through their own musical journey and discover actual GOOD Music.  The End.

< Listen to this rant, and more, on the podcast here or on iTunes >

Driving home last night / I heard that tune / The one from the 70’s / About things being over

The singer is in denial / He “Keeps Forgetting” / Things have changed / You know the song

Everything ends / Jobs, friendships, relationships, life / Somehow we don’t expect that / Won’t except that

We hate that part / The ending / The Silence / Fini

We’re built to function in the moment / But the moment is ever changing / Always working towards finish

Electrons move to eventually settle / Yearning for finale

We keep forgetting / An inherent beauty exists / In conclusion

The sun slipping behind the horizon / The sculptor making a final tap / Resonance of strings culminating the concert

Ends allows us to pause / Take heed of our experience / And look to the next

Driving home last night / I passed that cemetery / The one close to the road / Where our grandparents are buried

Sometimes I forget / The pervasive artistry of endings

Until I see headlights / Reflecting on gravestones

~pp

< Listen to this rant, and more, on the podcast here or on iTunes TSF14: Hunger Never Ends >

Still have the desire to perform?  That is why they invented Vegas.  Or Branson.

Otherwise, move out of the spotlight, and let someone else have a chance.

Oh, sure, I acknowledge that you have been contributors to the world of music.  As singers, and songwriters, and musicians, and rockers you brought your sound to the masses and influenced pop culture and ingrained our brains with your riffs and lyrics.  Your music will live in the hearts and minds of many generations.  Thank you and bye-bye.

Maybe you think I sound harsh, but think about it?  Imagine if the previous generation of musical talent kept trying to keep performing in a big way at major awards shows, sporting events, on tour, and on television.Oh yeah – they did.  Remember the late days of Elvis or Frank?  Sad, sad, ugly, and sad.  They worked past-their-prime, trying to hold on to their young musical glory, and it didn’t work.  Hello – It ain’t working for you anymore, either.

For that matter, go away “Play that Funky Music, White Boy”, “Celebration”, “We are Family”, “Mustang Sally”, “Freebird”, “Brick House” and “Sweet Home Alabama”.  It is time to stop you and all of your cover band and wedding reception over-played power.

It is my contention that the past stands in the way of the future.  It is too convenient to dance to the music you’ve been hearing forever and it is regressive to sing along at concerts of artists who had their heyday before you were born.

Sure, it is fine to reminisce once-in-a-while; even I sing along to The Beatles. And, maybe you qualify as  quirky-cool because your ringtone is an obscure Marvin Gaye B-side.  But, why spend hundreds of dollars to go to concerts performed by people who need to get themselves jacked up on anti-inflammatories just to take the stage?  And, why are those same people still making crazy money to sing songs about their sexy youth, when “sexy” and “youth” have been replaced with “wrinkled” and “old”?  If we fill our lives with only the songs we know, we are forced to look backwards and are missing the view ahead.

I know, I know – the past is comfortable.  It feels more real because you’ve already experienced it.  It is as grounding and familiar as those ratty sweatpants you refuse to throw away.  It is like making out with an old boyfriend or girlfriend again.  You know just what to do to make them feel good.  Play “American Pie” and everyone relaxes.

You are trampling the road more traveled, and it is making you soft.

What happened to established artists gracefully aging and mentoring the next generation’s creativity, instead of competing with it?  Why do we continue to demand the stuff we know, instead of striving to experience something new?  We should cry out for the future, instead of sentimentally weeping for the past.

It is time to put down your high-school facebook, I mean, yearbook and move forward. Rock stars prefer to burn out than fade away; it is time for the faded old burn-outs to go away.

Let’s advance things, shall we? Listen to a new song, a new band, or a new artist, today.  Dance to something you’ve never heard before, tonight.  Let’s change the demand for music, right now, and we’ll change the future of music, for the better.

~pp

< Be now in the now.  Listen to TSF9: We’re Next, We’re Now The Slacker Factor Podcast here, or on iTunes. >

Now, none of this is new to most of us.  Every once in a while we look in the mirror but don’t see that 18yr old that we imagine we still look like.  Full of youth and vigor and lacking the lines and gray hairs we see today.  But I can deal with getting older, I really don’t have a problem with it.  What I do have a problem with is that I am not doing all of the things I always envisioned I would have done by now.  That’s not to say I won’t, its just…  I am a bit off schedule.  This is my problem.

I wont bore you with the laundry list of things I thought I would have done by now, but many of them are typical… seeing Europe, sailing the Caribbean, having that corner office, stuff like that.  I don’t think it’s because I’m not capable of doing these things, but haven’t had the time to really devote to getting to them.  Stuff keeps happening and it’s never the right time.

Perhaps it’s the trade offs I’ve made over time.  When I was younger I really wasn’t able to comprehend the impact parenthood would have on my life.  Its all good stuff, I just didn’t know how much of a priority it would become to ensure my kids have the best I can give them.  So I’ve traded my vacations to the Caribbean for vacations to Sesame Street Place and the like.  I’m ok with that too, but I still have “my” stuff to do.

So, for “my” stuff, call it my “bucket list” if you like, I wonder when I will find the time.  My kids are still young and I don’t have the financial wherewithal to pack up the whole family and go to Europe for two weeks.  And we all know that won’t fly with the boss anyway – two weeks off – in a row???.  Maybe what I need to do with my time is try and schedule it.  Maybe if I start to plan on the lower hanging fruit of my goals for now and hope for the best down the road.  But…

What if I am running out of time?  Jeeze that’s a gloomy thought.  Here I am, only 40, and wondering about a final nap on the big couch.  Well, I am hoping that I live for another 40 (or longer if the big guy allows) and that gives me a fair amount of time to get to the bigger things on the list, and maybe by then I will be in a better financial position to take on the larger trips.  Maybe I’ll even be retired before I’m 75 and have a time where I wont be trying to vacation with one foot in the sand and another strapped to my blackberry.    Which brings me to my last point…

This whole indentured servitude to Corporate America, am I wasting my time?  I am trading my time so that the corporate fat-cats can have their fancy dinners and be driven to and fro and fly first class etc etc?  Is my time worth only the paycheck I receive, and to cause me to put off the things I would really rather be doing?  Will I wake up when I’m 65 and wonder why the hell I spent the last 40yrs working in Corporate America??  That scares me.  That seriously scares me… a lot.  Of course, when I look at my kids I know that the sacrifice is all worth it.  If I would trade my soul to the devil to ensure my kids happiness, surely selling it to Corporate America couldn’t be all that much worse.  Could it?

Well, my time is up.  I appreciate your giving me some of yours.  And until next time…  ~cg

It is OK if she has fake breasts,
and yet her kids are an incredible mess
because she claims they never have any money…

Is it OK if he professes to be true,
but you know that he has propositioned you
…on more than one occasion…

Is it OK for Nick Cage?

Is it OK if he wears a rug,
Is it OK if she’s planted a bug
in their computer,
so she can track all of his online activities…

Is it OK if they seldom fuck,
Is it OK if he tries his luck,
at the casino…with the deposit money for their new home
…and he looses it all…

Is it OK if she swears she’s quit,
but then, occasionally, she takes a hit
just to keep her sane…

Is it OK if she has a drink,
even though you tend to think
she’s pregnant at the time,
…never mind who’s it is…

 Is it OK if he roams the night,
because he says that he’s uptight,
and getting out
is the only thing
that calms him down…

Is it OK if they talk so sweet,
when you really know that underneath
neither of them is happy
in this thing, called a relationship, anymore…

~pp

<Don’t be hypocritical.  Listen, as well as read,  TSF7: Drop Everything  or look for it on iTunes.  It is slacktacular.>